On, Tuesday, I went to Jason's mom's house to help Stephen go through and organize some of Ronna's things. I kept expecting to see her sitting on the couch or in the kitchen "fixing a little somethin' to eat". Sometimes it doesn't feel real that she is really gone. I've always loved going there because it felt so peaceful. I still feel her presence there.
It was nice to visit with Stephen. My heart hurts for him. I tear up even thinking about what I would do in that situation. Some of the things were easier to organize or box than others. We spent some time cleaning out one of the closets that had some of her clothing. When I asked Stephen last week how he was doing he said, "I can not tell you how much time I have spent going through Ronna's clothing. Each garment reminds me of an activity with her." As we were sorting, I came across the yellow sweat suit she was wearing on the day I met her 3 years ago. I folded and boxed the dress she wore to my parents on Christmas Eve in 2005, the light green shirt with little baby pearls around the neckline that she wore on one of her weekend visits to our house... I understood and yet, I still can't imagine how he must feel. There were just so many memories. I still can't believe we won't have any more.
I'm collecting pictures of Ronna for a few different projects I would like to do. Stephen let me look through his computer to see if there was anything I wanted to copy. I love looking at people's pictures. It says so much about them. People take pictures of what and who they love and what their interests are. Ronna was blessed with a lot of love. They had so many beautiful pictures of trips to the beach with Ronna, Stephen and Sklyer. Some pictures were just of them goofing off around the house. Earlier in the day, Stephen came across a hat he had bought for Ronna. He put it on my head and smiled. He said, " I always wanted her to wear that hat, but she would only wear it on holidays." I found a picture of her wearing the hat and called down the hall to Stephen that I had found one of her wearing the hat! He called back, "Print that one out for me!" Yes, there was a lot of love in that house. There still is.
It touched my heart to see so many pictures of our kids. As I was going through picture books, I saw that she had printed several in 8x10. She took them in from the very beginning and treated them like her own grandchildren. I saw pictures of me that I didn't know she had taken and a few I had forgotten about. She always made me feel so loved.
I got home around 9pm and Jason had already put the kids to bed. I was too tired to unload the car. The next day I was sitting at a stop light when I noticed a single strand of blond hair on a hat in the front seat. I picked it up and knew that it was Ronna's. It was such a strange feeling. I didn't know what to do with it. Normally, if I found hair somewhere I would have thrown it out, but I didn't want to get rid of it. It was amazing to me how a single strand of hair can evoke such emotion.
I couldn't sleep that night. I layed in bed for hours just remembering the way she would touch my hair. I remembered one of the first times we spent the weekend at her house. We were both in the hall talking and I will never forget the way she touched my hair and looked at me. She told me I was "such a Love." I remember the times sitting on her couch talking and her stroking my hair when I happened to be sitting next to her. When I was in labor with Ashlyn, she came to the hospital to be with us. When it was time to push, she stood by my head. She kept her face close to mine and stroked my hair and told me what a good job I was doing. How could we have known she was already so sick.
11 months ago