Monday, June 29, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Our computer scrolls through our pictures as a screen saver when we are not using it. I walked out of my room the next morning and this picture was on my screen. I choked up. It was taken in January on one of our visits to see her. I know how much she loved Ashlyn and how much she had looked forward to being a grandma. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to know she wouldn't be here to watch them grow up. I'm teary just thinking about it now.
I had a hard time that day. I couldn't get her off my mind. I just felt sad. I was sad that Ashlyn doesn't get to grow up knowing her. I was sad for myself that I didn't get more time with her. She always made me feel so loved. I was sad for Jason. He was so close with his mom. I know he misses her so much.
I kept thinking about one of our last visits with her. Visits were hard and took days to recover from emotionally. It was the most helpless feeling to watch her dying right in front of us and know that there was nothing we could do to stop it. It was almost unbearable for Jason to see her. He was curled up in her lap on the couch, asking her how he was supposed to live without her. Her response has rung in my head so many times. She held him with her frail arms and stroked his hair. She told him it would be okay. "Tara is here. She will take care of you now. Tara will take care of you. It will be okay." I wondered how I was doing...
In December, when we went to the hospital for her surgery and the doctors confirmed that it was cancer, we were only able to visit her one at a time. When it was my turn, she tried to comfort me. When I asked her if there was anything I could do for her, she told me I already was. "Take care of Jason. He is really going to need you. This is going to be hard on him. A boy needs his mama and this is going to be hard." She took comfort in my love for him. She needed me to love him for both of us. I've never seen a mother love her son as unconditionally as Ronna loved Jason. Those are big shoes to fill, but I try.
As I was walking out, she called after me. "Tara, did you cut your hair? It looks really pretty!" I wasn't sure what she was talking about at first. My mind was swimming with the cancer news and hospital equipment. I had long hair at the time and had cut a few layers the week before. It struck me that she would notice at a time like this. I walked back over and gave her a hug. She told me that she loved me and I know that she did.
My memories of Ronna made me reflect on my own life. She was such a great example of how to love your children. She loved being a mom. I wondered if my kids would know how much I love them if I suddenly passed away. I wondered if she would still find peace in my relationship with her son. Am I taking care of him?
I decided that I need to not to be sad and think about all the time we wont have with her, but think of the happy memories that we do have. So, here are a few memories that make me smile.
This picture was taken the first day I met Ronna. She told Jason, " I wanna meet this girl you're so crazy about!"We met at the park and had some lunch. When Jason had to go back to work, we stayed and watched the kids play and got to know each other better. Later, she told me that she could tell how I felt about Jason because I looked at him "with soft eyes". She was so supportive of us and took my kids on as her grand kids from the very beginning. In a card she later sent to me, she said "watching us all interact is a beautiful thing." She was so happy that we were happy. Having her support meant the world to Jason.
These next two pictures were taken out at the Ranch on different weekend visits. I love them because they show her personality. She was so fun and always ready for whatever!She loved to come out and watch us ride.This picture makes me laugh because I remember how excited she was to wear her fur! It was taken at our wedding. I think it's a great picture of both of them.These next two were taken when she came down when Ashlyn was born, just two months before we found out she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She was so excited to be a grandma! She said she couldn't wait to just "love her up!"
Losing Ronna reminded me that there isn't always a tomorrow... It made me think about how I live today.
Happy Birthday, Ronna. We miss you...
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Colton and Lauren
Justin thinks Danale and I are hyper when we are together and that we talk a mile a minute! We tell him it is just because we are so happy to see each other!! I don't think we would ever get sick of them! You know how there are some people that are just so easy to be around? They are those people that could just move in and you wouldn't be watching the calendar waiting for them to move out! We fit together really well.
I adore Justin! He is a complete bust up! Jeff says, "he's a laugh a minute!" Its true. And when he isn't busy making you laugh, he is just so easy going and comfortable to be with.
Danale... I can't say enough good things about Danale. I totally love her! She has such a fun bubbly personality and is just sweet all the way through. Jason says she is like me- sweet, but won't let anyone push her around. I've never seen anyone push, but I bet she could come up with a little sass! She reminds me of her mom as I watch her be a mother. It seems to come so naturally to her. She has such a big heart and I love her to pieces!
When it is time to go, the visits just never seem long enough and we are left looking forward to the next one.
Friday, June 5, 2009
We stayed home with Austin and Ashlyn and had a great weekend hanging out with our good friends! We went out to the lake a couple of times...
Haley is such a babe!!! Everytime we go out with them I am so impressed with how awesome she is on the wake board!! Here she is surfing. Jason and Ashlyn
Jason wake surfing
Austin Aaron, Tara and Ashlyn
Jason on the wake board. I can't believe he was wake boarding just a few months after having a broken leg! He said it was a little stiff and he was a little worried about landing on it, but you would never know it by watching him jump that wake!!
On Monday, after we came back from being out on the lake, we went over to Aaron and Haley's for a barbecue and more swimming.Jason Jeremy, Aaron working the barbecue Ashlyn and Austin