Hollow

Hollow is the only word that would accurately describe how I felt during the first 4 hours after Paige was born. Literally and emotionally hollow. Just walking to the bathroom, I felt off balance from the new emptiness inside me and yet there was no sign of a baby in my recovery room. In my head, I knew she would be okay, but in my heart, I worried. I layed in my hospital bed and tried to sleep. I could only doze for a few minutes before I would find myself looking at the clock and wondering how much longer she would need to stay in the nursery. My arms felt empty, not holding the weight of her tiny body. There was no smell of sweet newborn or tiny cries in my room. Just silence and occasionally, Olga coming in to check on me.

After dinner, I decided I was strong enough to take a shower and wanted to be cleaned up before Paige came back. Just as I was getting ready to get in, Jason came in with the nurse and our sweet baby girl. I was overcome with emotion.

(Yes, I realize that crying pictures are never attractive, but I've learned to get over myself) It felt so good to be reunited, but I was left with the strangest feeling. I felt like I was holding someone else's baby. Jason reassured me that she was ours and hadn't been out of his sight.

I loved her and didn't want to put her down, but kept searching for something familiar. Somehow, she felt like a stranger. I thought when they put her back in my arms, the hollow feeling would go away. I think I was still in shock and just trying to soak it all in.

I spent the rest of the night with her in my arms, getting to know each other again and falling in love.

I'm so grateful to my wonderful nurseand for pink feet.