The weather here is so different.
It rained a couple weeks after we got here. In August. While we were wearing shorts and t-shirts.
It happened to match my mood perfectly.
I love the view from my front porch. The mountains are majestic and beautiful and somehow comforting. Most days, the blue sky outlines them perfectly. But on this day, I could barely make out the tops of the mountains. The grey clouds hung low and on and off, throughout the day, were just too heavy and the rain would begin to fall.
Before we moved, we had talked all about how the move would effect everyone. Jason asked what about me? Would I be okay? I told him I thought I would be. I knew I would miss my friends, but most of my life was lived within the walls of my home. I have babies. I do laundry, naps, and play taxi driver most of the day. I told him as long as we were all together, I would be fine.
And I am. But my heart had been heavy. I really missed my sister. We have been close for as long as I can remember. There is a connection there, that I just can't explain. We are totally opposite in a lot of ways, but we get each other and are always there for each other. One of the ways we are different is how we deal with things that are hard. For both of us, me moving was going to be hard. For Jen, it was easier if we didn't talk about it. I think she hoped if she could pretend it wasn't going to happen, it would go away.
It was tough to do because my life was consumed with the move. As I was getting settled in my new house or would have a funny neighbor come by, I would want to call her to tell her about it because I know she would know where I should put the desk or laugh with me about my new experiences. But I didn't call. I didn't know if she was ready to hear about Utah. I didn't know if she was ready to accept that I really did move and I really was in Utah. So, there was just a hole where she was supposed to be and my heart ached for my sister. I didn't know if I could make such a big change without her.
Throughout the day, the tears would escape, just like the rain drops. I would see the boys (my nephews) post on Instagram and suddenly my cheeks were wet. I missed seeing them everyday, even if it was just when I was picking up my kids or in passing. Wes would still text me occasionally just to chat and I loved it. It made me feel like I wasn't so far away, but I still missed them tremendously. I missed little Brynne and her giant monkey hugs! I started to worry that we wouldn't be close anymore. I worried what I would miss...
On the way to Home Depot with Jason that night, he asked me how I was doing with everything. I let the tears flow. I told him I really missed Jen. He told me I needed to just tell her. I had been trying to be there for her by letting her deal with it in her time, but I needed her now and she would want to know. He was right.
I sent her a text so she could process it on her time. I told her I loved her and missed her and that I moved, but I still needed her. I gave her the heads up that I was going to call her the next time I felt like it.
She said she wasn't in denial anymore and slowly, order has been restored to my universe once again. I still miss the day to day, but regular phone calls help fill the gap.
Definitely the hardest part of the move for me so far.
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